5 Most Hilarious Product Reviews Ever Seen on Amazon

In this comedic spoof, we take a look at some of Amazon’s most hilarious product reviews.

(growtraffic.com)

Amazon, that Aladdin’s Cave; a Santa’s grotto of goodies for all ages, selling over 12 million different products and eliminating yet another reason to change out of our pyjama bottoms to leave the house.

But Amazon has been guilty of soiling the retail industry by peddling pointless, frivolous or FAD items like books, shoes or healthcare products.

They’ve also put on the market arguably some of the greatest inventions and fantastic value for money items of the 21st Century.

Here, we’re going to take a look at some of Amazon’s niftiest merchandise and what makes them so high in demand by looking at the product reviews.

A Simple Book Giving Hope to Simple Foreigners

It is now decades since the Russian bear was brought to its knees by the American Eagle, ending the Cold War with the Soviet Empire’s collapse.

Yet the peoples of Central and Eastern Europe still haven’t caught up with the living standards we English speakers enjoy, such as flying cars, self-cleaning homes and all the calories our impressive, ever-expanding physiques need.

Undoubtedly the main reason the Slavic peoples still lag behind us is that they don’t speak English. Instead they still communicate in their coarse, guttural tongues of which we understand nothing. Inevitably it is the dream of every ex-Soviet to start a new life in a new land and, just maybe, one day, own a glossy credit card.

The most popular of the Anglospheric nations is the USA; a country that, like the UK and in stark contrast to the old Soviet states of Eastern Europe, has an economic ideology which rewards hard work with financial security, has a free uncontrolled media and is a land of opportunity, not stagnation.

Any aspiring immigrant must subsequently learn English before they arrive and ‘English Grammar for Dummies’ is the failsafe route to learning to speak and write good. ‘Nickolai Kresinski’ details his journey from humiliation to pride with the aid of this book in his review below.

Pens for Women’s Delicate Little Fingers

Women are the fairer of the sexes, with their charming giggles and soft cooey voices. Yet we know how delicate these dainty but fragile creatures can be, and in the man-made world (in more than one sense), the environment of abrasive wooden, concrete, metal surfaces, etc can be particularly tough on their skin and easy-to-break fingernails.

Men carry the burden of responsibility to provide for their women and children in the macho and competitive workplace but they can be guilty of overlooking that ladies can’t handle the durable but uncomfortable everyday items found away from their pretty homes, such as door handles, steering wheels and pens.

Subsequently, pen manufacturer Bic received much acclaim when it launched a custom-designed product range for women. In close consultation with their wives and female family members, Bic’s product development team showed a commendable degree of tenderness in designing the Bic ‘for Her’ Medium Ballpoint Pen.

The product is a real hit with the ladies, and has received rave reviews as illustrated by ‘A keen skier’ below.

Banana Slicing Toil Ends Here

Much of the evolution of human civilisation has revolved around one simple aim – to make our lives less laborious and more comfortable. The inventions of the wheel, steam engine and pulley system come to mind as examples.

Since the late 19th Century, Bananas have become an ever more popular staple of our diets. In America, it is estimated that the average person will have consumed roughly 780,000 bananas by the time they reach their 70th birthday, whilst in the UK, an adult typically eats 13 bananas per day, and children, 6.

That is a lot of bananas! and of course, unless one is an oafish backwoodsman who eats the fruit straight from the skin one eats the fruit in manageable slices. But that’s a heck of a lot of slicing; if a banana knife lasts more than 3.5 years, it’s a quality blade.

It was this daily toil that no doubt inspired the eureka moment from which the 571B Banana Slicer emerged. Shaped and even coloured to match our favourite fruit this innovative banana slicer replaces the non-stop chopping, with a single, firm, downwards slice.

It is a big weight off the shoulders and saves a serious amount of time. ‘Mrs Toledo’ explains why this product has so many grateful fans in her review.

One Giant TV, with the Price Tag to Match

They say you get what you pay for, and so it is with the LG105 UC 9V 5K Ultra HD 3D Smart LED TV 105in …Deluxe edition.

Pity the people who can only afford a 60in or smaller HD TV. They sit in their hovels, just feet away from their screens squinting, trying to fathom what it is they’re looking at.

A nature documentary might be on but it is a futile exercise even tuning in if they can’t tell whether the fuzzy image is a bird, a bat… hell, could be a frisbee. Who knows with such poor picture quality regular TVs under £1000 offer.

This is why LG created an engineering marvel for when even the gods themselves want some downtime. A TV where you get a whole lot more than just a single pixel per pound/dollar.

Sure it’s not cheap; you’ll need to match at least five numbers in the national lottery draw or, if you work in Sales, sell a helicopter – preferably a Chinook.

Yet when you get to watch the kind of television that’s less a viewing experience and more akin to a wonderful hallucinogenic adventure, it isn’t something you want to be counting the pennies over. After all, there are always more windfalls to inherit, am I right?

‘Barry’, below, details the upsides and downsides of such an investment. You decide if it’s worth it.

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Not Just a Penknife

Some tools don’t just improve your life, they change it.

You’re likely the product of a cotton wool wrapped, suburban upbringing; a meek human, dependent on the expertise and assertiveness of people with more character. One mile into the true wilderness and a pack of ravenous rabbits will smell your fear and tear you to pieces. Your sense of vulnerability is the cause of much of your unease.

But there is hope! Such a tool exists that is so versatile there is literally NO problem it cannot overcome. The Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant, complete with its own carry-case rucksack, will make you the man you need to be, regardless of your current gender identity.

Do you even know what ‘versatile’ means? You don’t, because you don’t own this piece of kit yet.

Need a knife? It has one.

Not the right kind of knife? It has an estimated 35 other knives, half of which are facsimile.

With this thing you won’t walk in through the door of a building, you’ll find yourself abseiling through the window like it’s 1980 and you’re on the roof of an Iranian Embassy. You will confidently take on everything from car restorations to apex predators.

‘Kristi’ explains its effect in his/her review:

10 Facts about the Blue Whale – the Largest Animal to Ever Exist

Read about these 10 jaw-dropping facts that show just what massive proportions the Blue Whale has.

Whales are amazing creatures which inspire awe, fear and respect due to their sheer size.

As marine creatures that reside in either the depths or the poles, humans knew very little about whales over the course of history; many feared or revered them.

In Old English the word Whale means ‘giant sea fish’ yet, interestingly, they are not fish at all, but mammals.

Like us, they breathe air, are social, feed their babies with their own milk, take extraordinarily good care of their young and teach them life skills.

The giant among giants is a type of baleen whale named the Blue Whale, a gentle creature that grows larger than any of the massive dinosaurs or beasts that once roamed on land or swam in the oceans.

Here are 10 jaw-dropping facts about this animal that show just what massive proportions it has.

1. A Giant among Giants

The Blue Whale isn’t just the largest animal in the world, it is the largest animal to have ever existed .(propelsteps.wordpress.com)

Far bigger than land behemoths like the Argentinosaurus or the mighty Megalodon, the Blue Whale is the largest known animal to have ever lived.

An adult Blue Whale can grow to a massive 30m (98 feet) long. Stood up it would be almost the height of the Tower of London. It can weigh more than 190,000kg (418,878lbs) – about the same as 40 elephants, 30 Tyrannosaurus Rex or 2,670 average-sized men.

2. Deep Breath!

The Blue Whale can dive as deep as 100m (aquariumofpacific.org)

Blue Whales can dive for up to an hour at a time, going to a depth of 100m (328 feet); this is some way short of the 300m a nuclear sub can go to and it’s nothing compared to a whopping 2,250 metres (7,382 ft) the Sperm Whale can plunge to; even so they need highly efficient lungs to survive.

Two enormous blowholes, big enough for a small child to crawl into, allow the fast and efficient exchange of oxygen. Blue Whales exchange between 80 and 90 percent of oxygen in their lungs each time they breathe, compared to just 10 or 15 per cent in humans.

3. Can you Hear My Heart Beating?

(cbc.com)

Oxygen is pumped around its enormous body by an equally massive, four-chambered heart. Weighing some 900kg (1,984lbs) – and the size of a Mini car – the Blue Whale’s heart beats once every 10 seconds, pumping 220 litres (48 gallons) of blood through its body.

It beats so loudly it can be heard from 3km (1.9 miles) away through sonar equipment. What’s more Blue Whales’ major arteries and veins are so large that a little kid could swim along them, imagine that!

4. Skin Deep

A Blue Whale’s skin markings are unique, much like fingerprints. The pale bluish-grey colour gives the species its name, although the skin can also look silvery grey or tan, depending on the light.

A blue whale has between 80 and 100 long grooves running along the length of its throat and chest. These allow its mouth cavity to be so vast and stretchy that it can engulf a volume of water equivalent to its own body mass.

5. No Time (or Capacity) for Tears

Its eyes are merely the size of grapefruits. (pinterest.com)

Blue Whales have relatively small eyes for their body size – each about the size of a grapefruit – and their eyesight is thought to be weak.

They have no tear glands or eyelashes. At the depths in which they often live the water is so dark that vision serves little purpose, and only hearing is really necessary for navigation.

6. Sound You Out

Despite having no external ears, Blue Whales are believed to have excellent hearing, using air sinuses and bones to detect sound. They communicate using low-frequency whistles or rumbling noises which can travel hundreds of kilometres away and reach 188 decibels – louder than a passenger jet.

The Sperm Whale is even louder: its communicative clicks have been measured at 230 dB.

7. Big Mouth

(pinterest.com)

Their gigantic mouths — big enough to house 100 people — can capture enormous quantities of prey with each gulp of water, filtering the nutritious krill from the expelled water with stiff bristles that grow from the roof of the mouth.

During the summer months, they eat up to 6,000kg (13,228 lbs) of krill a day.

Their tongues alone are heavier than most adult elephants!

8. Turning up the Heat

Blue Whales reach sexual maturity between five and 10 years of age. They seek warmer equatorial waters before embarking on an elaborate mating ritual that involves the male and female rolling over one another, diving in a deep dive, then suddenly swimming to the surface to copulate.

The males have the biggest penis in the animal kingdom, about 30cm (12 inches) in diameter when erect and 3m (118 inches) in length. You wouldn’t want that fella at the urinal next to you!

9. Thirsty Babies

Blue Whales are placental mammals and the foetus develops in the uterus of the mother. The developing foetus grows quickly and after seven months, it is about 3.5m (11.5 feet) long.

The calf is born tail first at 12 months and weighs about 2,700kg (5,952 lbs), swimming immediately to the surface for air. It suckles on its mother’s two nipples, feeding on up to 180 litres (46 gallons) of fat-rich milk a day, allowing it to grow at a daily rate of 90kg (198lbs). Weaning occurs at around seven or nine months, when the calf is some 15m (49 feet) long.

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10. Population Counts

(freezeframe.ac.uk)

It is thought that there were once more than 250,000 Blue Whales. Now it is estimated there are between 10,000 and 25,000 left in the world (as of 2020).

After decades of being hunted for their meat, oil, and other valuable body parts, they are now classified as an endangered species on the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s (IUCN) Red List.

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