The least straight-laced comedic sketches for the most straight-faced comedy fans, including Armstrong and Miller, Mitchell and Webb, Little Britain, Harry and Paul, plus Key and Peele
Armstrong and Miller
Roger: “What are you doing here Peter?”
Holly: “Rog…”
Peter: “Surprise! Happy birthday!”
Roger: “Well it’s not my birthday for six months.”
Peter: “Sorry, happy Christmas!”
Roger: “In April??”
Peter: “Merry Easter!”
Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller created the Armstrong and Miller tv series, followed by The Armstrong and Miller Show between 1997 and 2010, among other collaborations. The duo entertained audiences with a wealth of hilarious characters behind a facade of po-faced respectability: World War II RAF fighter pilots with the accent and mannerisms of public school boys but the values and lexicon of 21st Century youths; Neanderthals dealing with modern-day social norms; the historian who keeps destroying priceless artefacts, to mention a few.
It was tough to choose my favourite sketches, but I managed to whittle it down to a top five for you to guffaw along to.
Top 5 sketches
1. Who do you think you are? Finding out about your family history is all fun ‘n’ games until the skeletons lunge at you from out the proverbial cupboard.
2. Blue Peter apology The dignified and sober demeanors of these BP presenters as they apologise to their young audience contrasts markedly to the behaviour that put them there in the first place.
3. Emergency stop Let no one get in the way of doing exactly what your driving instructor commands whilst performing an emergency stop.
4. Multitasking Home Secretary It’s not clear why the Home Secretary’s secretary can’t tell whether the minister is addressing him about a visiting gay wheelchair basketball team from Sierra Leone, or addressing his interior designer during a simultaneous phone call.
5. Cheating wife Roger can be forgiven for being oblivious to the affair his wife is having with his best friend, given how discreet the two are about it.
6. Credit card application A groom drops into his bank for some cash on the way to his wedding he’s running late for and agrees to quickly sign up for a credit card, given it’ll ‘only take a minute.’
7. What’s my job? A corporate employee knows all the right things to say to fit in seamlessly at work, even though he hasn’t a clue what his job is.
Mitchell and Webb
Waiter: “Are you ready to order, sir?”
Man: “Sorry mate, haven’t really had a look yet but can we order a bottle of the house red to be going on with?”
Waiter: “‘Mate’ ‘The house red’ ‘to be going on with’… where the hell do you think you are?”
Man: “Sorry?”
Waiter: “Do you even know what the house red is? Are you even an expert on wine? Because if you’re not, I don’t know on which basis you venture to order it.”
David Mitchell and Robert Webb gave comedy clappers The Mitchell and Webb Situation before That Mitchell and Webb Look between 2001 and 2010. Not-at-all smug and self-referential, in private at least, these two chaps’ sketches include: The Nazi soldiers who can’t reconcile the fact they have skulls on their uniforms despite being the supposed ‘good guys’; the levity of having a quiz show amidst a post-apocalyptic event; Numberwang; the game show that requires numeric answers with a baffling rationale.
Top 5 sketches:
1.Rocket scientist and brain surgeon A cerebral specialist is happy to let everyone know how challenging their jobs aren’t compared to his own vocation, until he is introduced to an astrophysicist.
2. Just a cough A film director feels the movie industry fails to reflect reality. Sometimes a cough is not always the first sign of a medical tragedy; smouldering ashtrays do not always escalate into major conflagrations, and so forth.
3. Sexy Scarecrow An eligible bachelor gets introduced to a lovely lady at their friends’ dinner party and, fortunately, has only one other single man to vie with – a scarecrow, albeit the dreamiest scarecrow in the planet.
4. Southpole stiff upper lip A true English gentleman in the early 20th Century should never compromise on maintaining standards, even if he and his men are starving to death on an Antarctic expedition.
5. Callous trauma counsellor An estate agent is eager to hear any cool stories his client may have concerning torture survival until he finds out she really is heartless about it all, in contrast with himself.
6. Cricket movie Two film makers want to make a feelgood underdog sports movie, but haven’t the inclination to find out the finer details of the world of cricket-ball.
7. Bad waiter The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters are back, and one such gentleman has little time for patrons who fail to reach his standards.
8. KKK The backstory to how the infamous club of Confederate Americans were trolled into acquiring their name and outfits.
9. Fridge door left open The wife of one man can overlook most of her husband’s shortcomings but spoiling good quiche by leaving the fridge door ajar is not one of them.
Little Britain
Sir Norman Fry: “I needed to go to the toilet, so I went to one I knew would be open at three in the morning. Upon my arrival, I met two men: Carlos and Eduardo, who invited me into their cubicle to talk to them about government policy. Unfortunately, I slipped on the wet floor and became sandwiched between the two men in a position that the arresting officer informed me was known as a ‘spit roast.’”
Written and performed by David Walliams and Matt Lucas, Little Britain ran for three series between 2003 and 2006. These camp comedians conjured some memorable characters, including Lou, who cares for the disabled yet highly ambulatory Andy; Vicky Pollard, the chav who didn’t do nothin’; Homosexual Dafydd, who wants to find love, but this seems impossible being, as he is without a doubt, the only gay in the village.
Top 5 sketches
1.Helplessly paraplegic Andy On a trip to the public baths, Andy’s carer Lou can’t work out how Andy has gotten wet after he briefly turned his back to get help.
2. Minister’s compromising toilet stop Despite first appearances, Sir Fry was doing absolutely nothing untoward at a public toilet in the early hours and clears everything up in a public press statement.
3. Cryptic Scottish hotelier A mysterious but playful hotel manager will not give up the secret recipe for his tomato soup easily.
4. Customer wants precise item It’s entirely reasonable to expect a mom-n-pop shop to have a very, very, exactingly specific item one guy is looking for.
5. Pastor Jesse King Contrary to stereotypes, this visiting ghetto pastor is remarkably self-effacing in his speech, gestures, and claims that he can heal the afflicted.
6. How can I describe him/her? Linda, who works in the student services dept., may appear to be compassionately intelligent, but could perhaps do with some cultural sensitivity training afterall
7. Death bed toilet break As they say ‘when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go’ even if the last moments of your life are ebbing away.
Harry and Paul
Stanley: “Here, Pammy, give Ange her present from us.”
Pammy: “Here you go, sis.”
Angela: “Thanks”
Stanley: “Look at that, ay, a cheque for five grand, for you!”
Angela: “But it’s not for me, it’s made out to a ‘Dr R Philpott!’”
Stanley: “That’s right, the best plastic surgeon in the country.”
Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse: the comedy sketch artists of a million catchphrases. Rocking since 1990, they collaborated on Harry Enfield and Chums, Harry Enfield’s Brand Spanking New Show, and Harry and Paul. They’ve come out with a dizzying array of characters, such as Kevin and Perry, the most hormone-laden teenagers in the land; The Brummie millionaire-couple who are considerably richer than you; the Scousers with their propensity for scrapping; and the rather cognitively high-functioning surgeons.
Top 5 sketches
1.Brummie birthday present Well-to-do couple Stanley and Pamela merely wanted to come over to celebrate Pamela’s sister Angela’s birthday with her and her husband. But husband Frank just cant keep his jealousy under control, given how much less successful he is.
2. Slobs win lottery Wayne and Waynetta’s fortunes soar then crash after the couple win 180 million pounds on the lottery.
3. 20,000 leagues under the seatbelt Captain Nemo’s long lost twin-brother undergoes trials and adventures of his own as captain of a Renault Espace traversing Britain’s motorway network.
4. Kevin and Perry car wash Hormonal teenager Kevin agrees to clean his father’s car for five pounds but the man is so tryrannical, he insists Kevin actually clean the car if he wants to get paid.
5. Frank the doberman The forthright Frank and his brother know all about setting the world to rights, plus Frank knows exactly what he’d do in the feasible scenario of him getting invited onto the Generation Game.
6. Austrian piano tutor Herr Funk is not interested in quibbling with his young student’s mother, he merely thinks it reasonable that he be provided with a selection of wines, boiled chicken and seasonal vegetables during his tutoring sessions.
7. Embarrassing chemist If there is one quality you desire from a chemist it’s discretion, and this South African pharmacist has that in bucketloads.
8. Who’s that girl? Fishmonger Lee patiently tries to teach his assistant Lance to sing which appears futile, unless it’s the Italian opera version.
Key and Peel
Conman no.1: “Let me show you my ID to let you know I am straight-up legit, that I aint trying to do nothing to nobody.”
Conman no.2: “On the issue of legitimacy, I too have identification as employee ID from ‘Borders Bookstore.’”
C1: “You see right here, I got my ‘Valleys Total Fitness’ to show you that I stay fit and conscientious and what not. You’ll also notice these other IDs I have in my hand have the same name on it which lets you know it is indeed me.”
C2: “Okay, I too have multiple IDs, crescendoing in this, dadadadaaa, ‘Yogurt Land’ punchcard; I’m up to my ninth purchase, apparently, and you can’t fake that.”
Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele take full advantage of being juxtapositioned between black and white American culture to leave no subject off limits in their show, Key and Peele. They gave us characters like Mr Garvey, the sub teacher surrounded by pranksters who insist on giving him stupid pronunciations of their names; the President’s anger translator; and the memorably named players of East Coast/West Coast College Football.
Top 5 sketches
1. Tough Crowd A stand up comedian quickly regrets declaring that no one is off limits to getting roasted after he spots one audience member whose face was half roasted in an accident.
2. Con artisted Two con-artists are puzzled at the lack of success they have as they try all their best moves on each other.
3. Secret love song As a duet serenade their besotted audience of teenage girls, one of the singers can’t keep his true feelings for his partner in any longer.
4. Slave auction Two slaves fester with indignation at being sold like cattle, but that doesn’t mean that they take rejection at the slave auction well.
5. Town hall gay The cameraman at the congressman’s town hall meeting is certain of which individual represents the gay community, and won’t be dissuaded otherwise.
6. Gremlins 2 scatter-brainstorm The brainstorming session for the upcoming Gremlins 2 movie is going perfectly well until the Hollywood sequel doctor rocks up and causes inspirational chaos with crazy ideas that most definitely won’t make the final cut.
7. Sneaky black ice Reporters Isaac and Derren appear a little defensive about Channel 17’s ‘City News at 5’ report on black ice which has absolutely no racial overtones.
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